Category Archives: hypnotherapy

The Pyramid Lady: I can’t consider you a thief or a likely candidate for prison or a nervous breakdown Gloria

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pgs. 106-108

AUTOMATIC LETTER 77

Wednesday night

Dear Nice Person,

I’ve had a chance to read Gloria’s letter from the North Pole signed
Santa Claus (actually from you) over and over again – you’ve handed me
such a jumble of sweet emotions; you’ve stretched my capacity to care way off- thanks to you Adam my definition of love will never be the same. The best
part of coming to you, in talks like this, or at “our home away from home”
(your office) is you, and knowing you’ll be there.
You are the foundation, the base Gloria and I need to touch in good
times and bad. No matter how you feel about anything else your feelings
toward us are always the same. You’re available for support, reassurance,
counsel and during a crisis even physical help. Be assured we won’t take
advantage of your goodness but what you have done for us (Gloria and I)
will help us to draw strength from – every day of our life. For this precious
gift I cannot thank you enough. I had to tell you this before going into
Gloria’s dreams.
A little girl is in her bed – she has been accused of stealing a lot of money
and has been found in a closet with the money in the pocket of a dress – her
parents have reassured her that they didn’t believe she took the money even
after she confessed through fright that she did steal it. No wonder she’s
sleepy after this ordeal. In her dream she stares at the crucifix above the bed
then closes her eyes – the small figure on the crucifix had seemed to lean
forward as if preparing to jump off the cross and onto her pillow.
She sleeps and dreams she is in prison – endless corridors of cells
whose windows looked out on nothing but bars and policemen with guns
to shoot anyone who moved. One part of her wants to die – the other part
of her mind is shut off like a water faucet – eventually she will have to turn
it on – Later – Later she will have to think, to feel – now she has only to
move before the police come to get her.
Next, I see the little girl in the forest before the cemetery gates – the
worst are her feet – blood is all over them – she feels like all her bones
are broken like when the “Other” throws her across the wall – a little bird
draws near her – only it’s not a bird or a pigeon. It’s a little dove and it settles
gently on her head – the Pyramid Lady is there and she’s talking to the little
girl. I can hear her by going closer.
She’s saying, “I can’t consider you a thief or a likely candidate for
prison or a nervous breakdown Gloria (she knows her name?) I sense a real
strength in you more strength than you know is there – you’ve got internal reserves that ability to cope and to keep coping. Now remember don’t let
anyone tell you otherwise. I’ll help.”
Next, the little girl is at school and she’s in disgrace – the “Other” told
the principal that, “She’s been misbehaving very badly since we moved.
Telling lies and arguing all the time and now even stealing from her parents,
she took money hidden under carpets in the room. She took things
from my room and wouldn’t admit she had. Such a stupid lie as if anyone
else would have but she did admit to stealing last night when caught with all
that money. I don’t mind telling you. I’m beginning to wonder if she’s not
losing her mind. If anything gets taken tell the children where to look,” but
the children have heard everything and the little girl is hanging her head in
shame – a little boy is crying, “someone stole my crayons and I know who.”
Gloria is waking up in a cold sweat. She never stole anything. See you later.

Gloria’s Helper

So many Masks, So many Lies, So many Trapdoors that made the Little Girl fall through Darkness

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pgs.  93-94

AUTOMATIC LETTER 66

Sunday night

Dear “Jolly Green Giant,”

You are valued all the time but never more so than when I can tell
you about Gloria’s nightmares and know that you will understand. Like in
tonight’s dream the “Other” told Gloria she was going to be a vegetable, so
many times that I’m surprised she didn’t end up in the ground like a vegetable.
We’ve got to cut it out, stop dreaming this frightening, senseless garbage.
A bad dream, something I have to push myself up from, raising my
fists in the air, sitting upright with my eyes wide open. I’m thinking of
the dream again – Gloria had been involved though I’m not sure how – it
had something to do with masks and marbleized people. I remember now.
Gloria’s eyes were covered by a pink mask and she took it off to show me
the other eye that was in the middle of the two eyes – the three eyed marvel
and something painful happened she was thrown into a large box by the
“Other” – close it off now the dream – close it – close it right off, right away!

Same night – Sunday

Hi again,
I became very much afraid earlier tonight and had to leave off – I’m
back now. I’m at the dream where the “Other” threw Gloria in a box –
he found out she had dug up the grave of the little child, Joshua, and she
couldn’t lie anymore – the bolted door – all the nightmare pain flows from
down there – no tears though – quietly the little girl has accepted the fact that she had to take pain to keep the “Other” calm – she always lived with
the knowledge that there were things to be done to keep the peace – the
fact was always there – he expected her not to cry – not to scream – not to
yell – but it’s so awful to step across a threshold and never know what you’re
going to see – you can’t imagine like when white light comes to you and
fragments of the puzzle burns clearer – it takes so much patience – suddenly
I realize I want to cry, really cry but I don’t because tears always seem such
a waste of energy, such an indulgence but there is pain in my heart – one
pain I can’t stand – tears because the little girl is going to be hurt again
very badly this time. I must stop this now – I’m sorry, really sorry to stop
here but I just have to – please try to understand – there have been so many
masks, so many lies, so many trapdoors that made the little girl fall through
darkness and now she’s about to go into a place that will make her lost forever
and I can’t stand this anymore. I have to stop now before it’s too late.
I’m very sorry – please (if you can) help – please.

Gloria’s Helper

THREE EYES and an EXTRA EAR

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pgs. 66-68

AUTOMATIC LETTER 51

Wednesday night

Dear Adam,
I’m in a relaxed, tranquil mood because I forced myself to visualize and
moved myself to picture someone walking across a field and in that scene I
didn’t recognize the person but I sensed he was a friend. As he came closer,
I saw he was a beautiful person because he lifted up his head and he called
out and ran toward me. His arms opened to receive me and it was a very comforting moment because it was Jesus and He told me He loved me.
Since then I’m in that silent, peaceful field and I know that someday Gloria
and I will have a peace centered heart and mind.
I’ve told you this because I want you to know that earlier tonight I was
as depressed as I thought a person could be. Then Gloria got a telephone call
from Taylor and believe me it was revealed to both of us what depression
really is like if a person doesn’t care to try to get help. I won’t go into the conversation
because it’s too personal about Taylor but no matter how many
times Gloria advised him to see a therapist or whoever could help him. She
got one reply, “Tell me you love me.” He’s seeing a Veteran’s doctor and
getting medication etc. but he has to wait another month before going to
see him again. He’ll never make it – anyway, after an hour’s talk – well I
don’t even want to say anymore on the subject of Taylor, it’s too discouraging
to hear a person who could get help and yet just lets himself go.
It did open our eyes to our own attitude though, because when Gloria
admitted to a depression well it was the same as when she tried to talk to
Taylor tonight and the memories of her husband’s depressions and the
years of hell that went with it – discouraged us more than we’ve ever been
discouraged in our life. This was before the discussion with Taylor.
Now, I’m remembering all you said that Gloria’s depression needn’t be
like her husband’s and I can guarantee you that it will never reach the point
that Taylor is in either because we won’t permit it too – most important of
all, we’re very lucky, we have you and we’re going to help you all the way. So
never mind how we act during our sessions, just know that we are going to
change whatever attitudes or whatever needs to be changed to get Gloria
well again. Any suggestions will be appreciated.

Hi again,
To get to tonight’s dream – it’s very vivid and I have no idea what it
means but I’ll tell you about it as fast as I can. Something happened to me in
this dream tonight. I became angry as soon as I saw Gloria coming toward
me because this time, there she was walking slowly toward me, with her three
eyes and (get this) an extra ear on the right side of her head – she was smiling and this made me even more angry and I said, “What’s with the extra ear, do
we need more trouble?” She just smiled and said, “The better to hear you
with, my dear,” and the eye is saying, “The better for you to see with my dear.”
I kept looking at her and she was getting shorter and smaller and I was
remembering our childhood. I was running like a wild animal set free from
a cage and actions of pictures were flashing in front of my eyes – I saw the
stabbing, the hurt, gasping noises – hate for someone grabbing long hair
pulling a head backward – flicking the ash of his cigarette, holding it close
to the throat – eyes wild with fear – and hate again as he gently touched
the glowing coal against tender skin a scream of pain and laughter – again
laughter and this time the laughing maniac slowly ground the cigarette
out on the mouth deliberately forcing it between clenched cracked lips –
a small chin quivers slightly as a parched tongue runs across blisters in
a feeble attempt to get rid of the ash and shreds of tobacco which clings
to them – again and again the head is held backwards – screams of fear –
throat making noises like sandpaper scraped over screen wire- grinded cigarettes
pressed against the neck over and over – screams of pain, terror till
someone faints from pain – is untied and slumps to the floor in the dirt and
cobwebs – curses – loud voices – kicking but no more screams. I hurried
over this because I’m afraid of the emotions I feel and besides I still remember
tonight how Gloria woke up saying, “I’m not afraid! I’m not afraid!”
There will be more dreams but they will be recalled – so don’t you give
up on us – thank you and God bless you for being here. Getting very tired
now so time to go back to Fun Dreamland and the Jolly Green Giant.

Gloria’s Helper

Gloria Has Three Eyes

automatic writing, childhood trauma, hypnotherapy, supernatural

Gloria Rising pgs. 62-64

AUTOMATIC LETTER 48

Sunday night

Dear Adam,

I’d better put down dreams just had before I forget the whole thing.
One was a weird experience – a child is looking for his mother and she
is nowhere to be found but while she walks around searching, she meets
several other people and each of these people ask for directions – the child
points to different streets and they go along but always leave before she has
a chance to ask where his mother is.
Then something strange happens, the child sees a volcano and coming
from there is what looks like an angel. He’s running toward the child, he
approaches and tells her not to be worried and put his hand out toward the child’s forehead and tells her, “Well look at you! Now you have three eyes.”
I am looking at the child, I see Gloria and she really has three eyes – one
in the middle of her forehead. The volcano erupts and we’re running but
the fire doesn’t seem to come our way – I see a house and I grab Gloria
and head for it – there’s a golden key in the door and it turns easily but
slowly – it is filled with a family – I look at them, children, parents, and
others and Gloria starts to talk to someone she calls “mother” – her mother
tells her, “I have always loved you, I still do,” and Gloria answers, “Do you
know I love you too?” The mother says, “Yes, my child, you have proved it
always.” – there the dream focuses on others in the family – I try to come
to understand the specific needs of each member of this family and to
accommodate the need as well as it is possible – Gloria is helping me and
others start to help us – when a child cries someone is there to hold his
hand, to hug him or talk with him; when a child stumbles someone always
comes to help him up – when he mourns someone mourns with him –
there is immense comfort in this group of people – a social order and we
know that this caring is helping them to survive – it’s a good feeling – till
we hear footsteps approaching the house – everyone is saying things like,
“Don’t worry,” – “Don’t be afraid,” – hammering fists against the door –
kicking – shouting – the door stays closed. I see Gloria – she still has her
three eyes and strangely there is fear in two eyes only – I am petrified with
fear – the door opens and someone walks up to Gloria, yanks her to her
feet and drags her into the yard, saying, “Next time you’ll remember not to
put ideas into children’s heads – cry, mourn, laugh – well I’ll teach you,” –
he’s carrying Gloria (who is never a little child herself) under his arm like
a sack of grain. He’s striding across the dark yard to the pigeon house – he
fumbles with the lock, opens the door and yells, “Inside, you can stay with
the birds until you learn to obey me.”
The strangest thing happens all I can see of Gloria are her eyes flashing
and there’s fear in two eyes but one (the third eye) is twinkling and
winks at me – this is where I start to feel “it’s all over” – and then I’m in that
pigeon house – hammering my fists against the door – frantically shouting and screaming and suddenly the shack is filled with the sound of frightened
birds slamming against me.
I don’t want to remember any more of this dream- too many emotions
that I’m not sure of are going on in me – will talk to you later – help, please.

Gloria’s Helper 

 

An Angel places a Third Eye on Gloria’s forehead

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, hypnotherapy, supernatural

Gloria Rising pgs. 62-64

AUTOMATIC LETTER 48

Sunday night

Dear Adam,

I’d better put down dreams just had before I forget the whole thing.
One was a weird experience – a child is looking for his mother and she
is nowhere to be found but while she walks around searching, she meets
several other people and each of these people ask for directions – the child
points to different streets and they go along but always leave before she has
a chance to ask where his mother is.
Then something strange happens, the child sees a volcano and coming
from there is what looks like an angel. He’s running toward the child, he
approaches and tells her not to be worried and put his hand out toward the child’s forehead and tells her, “Well look at you! Now you have three eyes.”
I am looking at the child, I see Gloria and she really has three eyes – one
in the middle of her forehead. The volcano erupts and we’re running but
the fire doesn’t seem to come our way – I see a house and I grab Gloria
and head for it – there’s a golden key in the door and it turns easily but
slowly – it is filled with a family – I look at them, children, parents, and
others and Gloria starts to talk to someone she calls “mother” – her mother
tells her, “I have always loved you, I still do,” and Gloria answers, “Do you
know I love you too?” The mother says, “Yes, my child, you have proved it
always.” – there the dream focuses on others in the family – I try to come
to understand the specific needs of each member of this family and to
accommodate the need as well as it is possible – Gloria is helping me and
others start to help us – when a child cries someone is there to hold his
hand, to hug him or talk with him; when a child stumbles someone always
comes to help him up – when he mourns someone mourns with him –
there is immense comfort in this group of people – a social order and we
know that this caring is helping them to survive – it’s a good feeling – till
we hear footsteps approaching the house – everyone is saying things like,
“Don’t worry,” – “Don’t be afraid,” – hammering fists against the door –
kicking – shouting – the door stays closed. I see Gloria – she still has her
three eyes and strangely there is fear in two eyes only – I am petrified with
fear – the door opens and someone walks up to Gloria, yanks her to her
feet and drags her into the yard, saying, “Next time you’ll remember not to
put ideas into children’s heads – cry, mourn, laugh – well I’ll teach you,” –
he’s carrying Gloria (who is never a little child herself) under his arm like
a sack of grain. He’s striding across the dark yard to the pigeon house – he
fumbles with the lock, opens the door and yells, “Inside, you can stay with
the birds until you learn to obey me.”
The strangest thing happens all I can see of Gloria are her eyes flashing
and there’s fear in two eyes but one (the third eye) is twinkling and
winks at me – this is where I start to feel “it’s all over” – and then I’m in that
pigeon house – hammering my fists against the door – frantically shouting and screaming and suddenly the shack is filled with the sound of frightened birds slamming against me.
I don’t want to remember any more of this dream- too many emotions
that I’m not sure of are going on in me – will talk to you later – help, please.

Gloria’s Helper

 

Deep inside he hates me, I sense he’d enjoy killing anyone

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pgs. 40-41

AUTOMATIC LETTER 31

Sunday night

Dear Adam,
Gloria is resting while I tell you what’s going on. It’s been one nightmare
after another. Gloria was dreaming of a hotel. She knew it was a hotel
although she had never been there before it was vast, she seemed to run
down endless corridors. People ignored her and talked to each other as she
ran past as though she was not there. She had to find someone, she didn’t
know why, she only knew she had to find this person or – or what? She
didn’t know the urgency or the reason – she turned a corner and was in a
dark narrow passage, blind – she heard breathing somewhere but could see
no one. It got darker and she started to feel her way across the passage –
she fell – it became less dark and she saw a closet door – the door started to
open slightly – she screamed and that was it – she woke up.
To add to this, her inner force refused to leave her alone – it did
nothing she could put her finger on – no outbursts but there was a feeling
of something functioning inside that wasn’t her – something that was
brooding and trying to think things out – it must have had something to
do with me.
I don’t like closets. I haven’t for a long time. I was never locked in
one like some are – but I still hate closet doors. I feel scared, anxious –
very much afraid. Many times Gloria finds that I’m the only one who has
the answers for her – it’s only because I know of things – of experiences
she doesn’t remember – of incidents that happened. It’s also because I’m
determined to take care of her. She is learning to have faith in relying on
me – it’s all thanks to you. We follow your suggestions, we don’t open the
front door, we lock our windows, and no looking through the peephole or
outside when we hear the noise this way we are protected.
All this has nothing to do with the feeling of doom – I feel right now.
Please why doesn’t somebody come – why doesn’t anyone stop this – a terrible
thought – is he going to kill me – I’m so cold – the most frightening part – he hasn’t said a word yet. I know deep inside he hates me. I sense
he’d enjoy killing anyone – and I have to get out of here.
I’m tired, exhausted, I’m leaving now.

Gloria’s Helper

SHOCK OF REALITY

childhood abuse and trauma, healing, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pgs. 36-38

AUTOMATIC LETTER 29
Sunday night
Dear Adam,

Gloria is having nightmares again. As of tonight it is impossible to
put some of my feelings into words. For one thing, I’m starting to really feel and at the same time I feel drained because I’ve opened a door that
has been stuck shut for years and I’m dumbstruck at what I see when it’s
opened.
For years – something buried so deep inside – never sure what it is –
more dangerous than any shadow or ghosts. Ghosts had shape and names –
this has none – whatever lived inside was so potent that sometimes it
seemed like a terrible bomb – glimpses caught in school or on the way
home. The safe world falls away and I know that the little girl walking saw
things that no little girl should see – blood – shattered glasses – all kinds of
horrible things – destruction – people crashing to their deaths – no burials
just vanishing, so many dead people. I feel nothing – numbness has become
part of me.

Later

Hi,
It’s important that Gloria does not create a wall at this time – this is
why I’m here again. There are other things you must know about the child
(we spoke of) but I can’t go into it now. About the child – he has not lost
his eyes or his legs but his will and his taste for life.
Again, I’m seeing a picture of the child at ten – the parents show pictures
of relatives – some are dead. The parents do not tell the child that
they’re angry – the child feels it – it’s in the air in everything said and done
– but at the age of ten, what does one do with that. The child gets angry
because they are all dead and he can’t do anything about it. Most important
to this child is the parents that even though they don’t say they’ve suffered,
he senses they are fragile. The parents appear to be very strong people but
the child has to be gentle with them always because it has to be. The child
has no right to get angry with them because they’ve suffered enough. Even
more the child has to always be happy in order to make up for everything
that happened
The child was taught that the most terrible thing (to do) or to be is
being selfish. To put yourself first to the child is that of being happy at ten years old.  So the child was taught that he didn’t deserve to be happy even
if he was expected to be.
Another picture about the child – everyone in the family is dying –
death doesn’t scare this child – death is like a soft blanket – like being held
in someone’s arm. When the parents talk of death, it’s always as a place
where everyone will hold a reunion.
Other things you’ll have to know – here. I’ll have to use caution a little
more. I’ll await any suggestions you may have.

Gloria’s Helper

NOTE:
Gloria’s Helper and I were walking a tightrope as if high above the
breathtaking and lethal Niagara Falls. A delicate balancing act to avoid
a disastrous slip that would send Gloria hurdling back into the abyss of
dissociation and amnesia. Gloria’s Helper understood we had to proceed
slowly to avoid Gloria panicking and regressing behind a wall of detached
numbness, where her progress would be dashed. It would be a terrible
setback that would close her off to us and cause her to resist our help. She
needed time to absorb the mounting shock of reality and time to rest to
gather emotional strength to face her childhood trauma.

The Miracle of Forgetting

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, hypnotherapy

Gloria Risings: pgs. 31-32

AUTOMATIC LETTER 23
Monday night

Dear Adam,

Tonight Gloria dreamt that she was standing on a high cliff above
the water, above the ocean scanning the water for her mother. She saw
her blond head disappear in the waves and leaped off the cliff. She awoke
breathing frantically, suppressing a scream.
Next, she dreamed of the “Other”. She knew he felt deeply about things
but what a temper. He should have been labeled “Highly explosive, use
care in handling.” But I’m not going to go into what happened because I’ll
get scared again.
It’s strange but I’m remembering what a gypsy woman once told
Gloria. She said that the mind was a wonderful machine. People tell you
how smart a little boy is when he can do calculations so big you can’t even
write them down. Or a genius like Einstein comes up with a way to
make a big enough bang to kill everyone.
“But little girl you know what the real wonder of the mind is? It’s not
these geniuses. The real wonder is forgetting. Why do you think that café
next door does so well? People go there, they have a few glasses of wine,
and they forget. Or they come here, have their fortunes told and they
forget. Even wars can be forgotten, little girl. That’s how wonderful the
mind is.”

I guess that gypsy made more of an impression with her words too
little Gloria than she ever thought of because we sure followed her advice.
Now when I sense there is something important I’ve forgotten, I can’t
remember what it is. I know it’s important because just thinking about it
makes my heart beat fast and furious. Well someday we’ll remember and
then I’ll share it with you.
We had an awful nightmare about the “Other” tonight that is best forgotten.
We’ll see you soon – till then.

Gloria’s Helper

The Ax Nightmare

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, horror, hypnotherapy

Gloria Rising pgs. 100-102

AUTOMATIC LETTER 72
Tuesday night
Dear Adam,

My little friend Gloria is in a trance – every so often a little shiver hits
her – but tonight hunger will not keep her awake. Adam you are the dearest,
sensitive, kindness person we have ever known. You literally saved our
life.

You know what God says in the Bible, “When you give bread to the
hungry person, you give bread to Me.” Well tonight you gave a feast to a
person and to God as well. Also you gave a little girl proof that she is worth
something – no one would do what you did for someone not worth anything
– more, you did it in a beautiful way as if it was a normal thing that
a son would do for a mother he loved and Gloria and I were touched very
deeply. We shall never forget it – last we will never forget what the words
“friend” and “love” mean. God bless you and loves you dearly as we do.

Now, for the dream Gloria had. She’s still in the ax nightmare. Right
now I see her a little girl hiding. She remembers asking her sister once
what dying meant – it was like going to sleep and never waking up and
she had realized that if you never wake up you might never be able to stop
dreaming and she didn’t want to die and always dream of the nightmares
she had seen downstairs.

She’s there behind the screen and she can’t move and it’s getting dark –
a darkness you can still hear through – the door is opening and she’s not
even hardly breathing – she’s thinking “you don’t know where I am but I
know where you are” – and then she hears someone say, “Dear God, I just
had to get away for a few minutes in all my years as a cop I’ve never imagined
anything like what I just saw,” and another voice answers, “I know, I
let myself out to throw up,” and “that little girl out there let’s not talk about
it,” and she thinks “what little girl out there” I’m here – then realizes that
some screams she had heard later and the little body near where the man
had hid was another child killed.

He thought he’d killed Gloria but it was another child coming back from                            school – and she realized that she was the cause of the child getting killed                    because she had said nothing again – it shocked and shamed her – too many                people killed because of me and my cowardice – you cannot close a mind to                             it – then she came back to hear the person say, “Thank God, no one’s here,”                         and her little voice said, “I’m here,” one asked, “Did you hear that?” and the                     other said, “I sure did.” “Where are you little girl” and the little girl asked, “You                  first, who are you?” He answered, “I’m a policeman and so is my friend, come                       out of wherever you are,” and the little girl said, “Lift up your hat so I can see,”                    and she thought the man said, “Damn,” but two police caps were lifted up, and                   she came out but when one went to pick her up she held back and he said, “Oh,            come on little sweetheart, I have a little girl like you and you need a father’s               shoulder to cry on right now.” But she couldn’t let him because she had wet                  herself when she got so scared and she felt ashamed and didn’t want him to know.
The policeman said, “Oh, hell the poor kid must have heard the uproar and
is scared to death,” and he asked, “Did you hear?” she answered, “I heard
and saw,” and after that the little girl wouldn’t talk for a month.

She was sent to live with a relative to make her forget but she never
forgot, nor did her heart ever let her forget that one lady she gave water to
downstairs who said, “Bless you child, I’m dying, get away from here fast,”
but maybe she was not dying – and the hand that rolled at her feet and oh,
I just have to get out of this terrible dream. I’m so cold and my head hurts
so but my heart hurts even more because this is the person, you think is
worth saving – I’m freezing.

Gloria’s Helper

Gloria Rising: The Criminal

automatic writing, childhood abuse and trauma, horror, hypnotherapy

Pgs. 15-17

AUTOMATIC LETTER 10
Saturday night

Hi again,

I feel a little numb, as I begin this chat with you – it’s like drifting
through darkness. Often, these talks start out like this and then I remember
that if I’m going to help you to help Gloria, I must try to tell you the
incidents that Gloria would have trouble talking about, the happenings
that she has forgotten. When I do this, there are times when a memory
traps me. It’s like when you cross a street and a car comes around the corner
out of control; you try to jump out of the way; no chance, it’s too late. In
this way a memory can trap you.
The numbness has worn off. Suddenly, I’m very uneasy. I have to
tell you something. It’s something else you should know. The term “thecriminal” was real and personal to someone. This is not what I want to say.
I’ll start again.
What can I tell you about Gloria that would be of interest to anyone?
Nothing! I’ll be filling up some pages having to do with nothing. It was a
mistake to talk about all the other things that happened. I don’t want to
think of these incidents or touch them with a mind. If you don’t choose to
believe something you can blank it out, separate yourself from it. Even if
it is the truth, even if it came after you in the dark and held you down, you
can separate yourself from it.
Yet always there’s this great black lake of time that has to be crossed.
Even if you knew it was hopeless, what else could you do? You had to keep
swimming; you could not drown either. “The child,” I’ve talked to you
about knew this feeling of despair.
I see the Criminal. He is ten years old and he does not cry. He has
learned that lesson well. “Are you crying? I told you never to do that!” The
blow that knocks him across the room the pain inside his head – he has bitten
his tongue – the blood – he’s starting to cry. “Now, I’m going to teach
you a lesson you won’t forget. I’m going to beat you until you stop crying.
Then I’m going to teach you to tell the truth – the truth is you slipped
and fell down the stairs – do you hear me – you slipped – that’s the truth. I
didn’t throw you down –you slipped – say it after me – I slipped – say it –
say it. Don’t you dare cry! You’re a criminal – you know what they do to
criminals, they burn them with a capital letter C, then they send them
away alone – don’t ask questions – are you crying again. I’ll teach you not
to cry – come over here – you know what happens if I have to come and
get you.”
I see someone thrown down the stairs – a bottle broken in half – a
clenched fist – punching – kicks – biting – pinching. I see someone tied to a
bed – can’t breathe can’t think well – no help for it, none is available. Didn’t
matter what you said or did, either it was coming or it was not. There’s
things you should forget about or pretend it never happened. Don’t believe
what I just said. I believe instead, that whatever happens it’s not worth the
pain of keeping it a secret, you have to decide who wants to hurt you andwho wants to help and it’s important to learn this right or a lot of mistakes
will be made.
I’ve tried to relax yet my nerves are at the mercy of sounds – footsteps –
a door being slammed – waiting, staring down at his plate and knowing
that being ignored meant being in danger, it meant you were in this person’s
thoughts. “You’re going to get it, do you know why?” He never knew,
he knew that pulling himself inward, staying calm didn’t help, nothing did.
“Oh, if you would just try to be good. Why do you break the rules?”
Say nothing. It doesn’t matter what is said. “Ye, shall know the truth, and
the truth shall make you free.” Well it didn’t make the ten year old free.
He knew the truth all right but didn’t feel free, not with something tight
around the neck, don’t go too fast or too far – you just don’t do it – that’s all.
To be alive was to be in danger – all the time. And you don’t talk about
that. You just go along thinking things will get better. One day you think
this is the way things are.
Tired out – thank you for listening

The Helper

NOTE:
I am a professional therapist and battle-hardened war veteran, yet my eyes
shimmered wet as I sat reading the Helper’s letter. It was the first time, but
not the last, that I would shed tears over the child’s pain.